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Now that President George W. Bush has won a second term
without a ruling from the Supreme Court of the United
States, he has proclaimed that he has political
capital
and that he intends to deploy it.
Many observers credit his victory, as well as increased
Republican control of the House and Senate, to a big
turn-out from the moral values
bloc.
I must confess that I have always believed that American
politics was supposed to be about who gets what
--
that is, log-rolling and horse-trading for everything from
street lights to defense contracts -- rather than the
advancement of some moral agenda. We were presumed to have
learned that lesson from national Prohibition -- trendy
when advocated by earnest moral reformers a century ago,
and so widely flouted that it was repealed by popular
demand only a dozen years later.
However, some politicians apparently believe that we send them to Washington to oversee the morality of people from the other party. Thus during the next four years we might see some of these laws:
· Public Lands Decency Act. John Ashcroft, the
departing attorney general, provided the inspiration for
this law in early 2002 when he placed a curtain to hide a
bare-breasted female Spirit of Justice
statue in his
department's office building.
Building on that wholesome example, the Department of the Interior will examine federal lands for provocative geography, and take steps to protect the public from such gross immorality. Suggestive landscape features, such as Chimney Rock and Granny's Nipple in Colorado, will be opened to accelerated mineral development, with the understanding that the mining companies will act quickly to remove the offending protuberances.
And if removal will take too long (Bartlett Mountain remains, despite 60 years of hard work by Climax Molybdenum), then the offending feature must be privatized, as with Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming. After all, our government should not be protecting pornographic landscapes.
Further, public-land managers will be instructed to eliminate animals which display indecent behavior -- what sort of message does the National Park Service present when it encourages people, even families with impressionable children, to visit Rocky Mountain National Park while the elk are bugling and rutting?
· Creationism Respect Statute. It has come to the attention of many Bushites that the federal government has been actively hostile to creation science. In fact, the U.S. Geological Servey actively promotes the belief that the world is billions of years old.
Henceforth, the U.S.G.S. will be forbidden from mentioning any rock formations allegedly predating the Holocene Epoch of the Quaternary Period of the Cenozoic Era. All government fossils will be sold.
· Traditional Marital Values Preservation Law.
There's no reason to stop at a constitutional amendment
which forbids same-sex marriage, since there's a bigger
problem: Millions of degenerate heterosexuals have violated
another biblical tenet relating to marriage. Matthew 5:32
states that whosoever shall put away his wife, saving
for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit
adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced
committeth adultery.
This federal law will provide that no state will be required to respect a divorce granted in another state, unless it was issued on the acceptable grounds of adultery.
An additional benefit is that this will produce hordes of bigamists and adulterers, whose offenses can be addressed by further legislation. Thus the prisons can continue expanding, thereby enriching local economies.
There are many more possibilities, of course. The Respect for Life Bill could mandate imprisonment for abortionists, their clients, and even women convicted of failing to prevent miscarriages. The Perpetual Respect Law would insure that all dying Americans be placed on life support until a jury can determine whether to disconnect. And the No Child Left in Doubt Act would insure that every teenager graduates from high school with a full understanding of pre- and post-millennial eschatology.
While there are some who would oppose these common-sense measures to restore America's moral greatness in the eyes of the world, why pay attention to them? They're just depraved, aren't they?
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