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The mayor of Conglomerate Junction, an imaginary ramshackle old mining town in the Rocky Mountains, decided it was time to resurrect the traditional old-fashioned Independence Day celebration. In part, he did it because he believed that his town would benefit by celebrating patriotism and community. But there was also the Business Development Committee of the Conglomerate Chamber of Commerce, which reported that merchants were losing business and the town was losing sales-tax revenue because its residents were going elsewhere to celebrate the Fourth, since Conglomerate had no parade or fireworks.
The first snag came toward the end of June, several
weeks after the mayor had announced that Conglomerate would
hold a traditional American Independence Day
Festival.
Much to the dismay of local youngsters, and
to the relief of the chief of the volunteer fire
department, the mayor's teenaged nephew was arrested for
selling Silver Salutes, M-80s, skyrockets, cherry bombs,
Roman candles, ladyfingers and other traditional American
Independence Day materials.
Further, many merchants refused to close for the festivities. The mayor pointed out that back in the days of yore, even the Evil Eastern Capitalists had closed their mines and stamp mills to honor the Fourth. But the modern entrepreneurs said that, in their view, the only reason to hold any kind of festival was to bring tourists to town, and the tourists deserved a chance to spend money.
Even so, the parade was formed, led by an honor guard from the local VFW post, followed by most of the high-school band, an old hose cart from the fire hall, mounted 4-H riders including the rodeo queen, and some restored old cars. The parade ended at the town park, where an antique cannon loaded with black powder and wadding was discharged right at noon.
This was the first time in living memory that something happened at its scheduled time in Conglomerate Junction, and the mayor felt encouraged as he stepped onto the platform to read the Declaration of Independence.
Before he could start, though, a young woman in the
audience spoke up. He thought he recognized her as the
owner of a health-food store. Mr. Mayor, America is a
peace-loving nation. Why must we celebrate its birth with
all these guns and explosions?
The mayor was relieved when one of the honor guard asked
May I?
The fellow was a retired Army major. He'd
lived in town for only two years, but already he was a
regular with the local curmudgeons who gathered for coffee
most mornings in the non-smoke-free greasy-spoon diner
whose walls were lined with taxidermy.
Young lady,
the major said, America was
founded with violence. For more than a century after 1776,
we fought continuous Indian wars. Also there was the War of
1812, the Mexican War, the Civil War, the Spanish-American
War, World Wars One and Two, Korea, Vietnam, the Iraq wars,
invasions of Haiti and Panama, to name a few. I suggest you
learn more about our country's history before you call this
a peace-loving nation.
She sat down with a stunned look, and the major stepped
back with a winning smile. The mayor cleared his throat and
began reading. When in the course of human events, it
becomes necessary...
He got through the second paragraph, a long one, before
the next interruption. What's this about 'let facts be
submitted to a candid world'?
one woman asked.
America has to be able to act in its own interest
without caring about world opinion.
She was followed by a clean-cut young man who bellowed
out that This whole thing sounds totally anti-British,
and they're like our biggest allies in the liberation of
Iraq. Are you one of those traitor dudes that wants to
offer therapy for terrorists, instead of killing
them?
The mayor started to feel as though he could use some
therapy himself, and it didn't help when the police chief
stepped forward. Sir, the Department of Homeland
Security issued a special alert for today, and I'm afraid
I'll have to report you for saying that 'But when a long
train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing inevitably the
same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute
despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw
off such government' in front of a public
gathering.
At that, the mayor asked the crowd to disperse and go back to work fleecing tourists. He had relished the Fourth during his youth, but now he had reluctantly concluded that there were some traditions that belonged to the past and really had no place in modern America.
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