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What intelligent design?

Published 7 August 2005 in The Denver Post.
Copyright ©2005 by Ed Quillen. All rights reserved.

During a round-table discussion with reporters from five Texas newspapers last week, President George W. Bush said that schools should teach intelligent design, as well as the theory of evolution, when covering the origin of life.

I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought, the President said. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes.

On its surface, that's a reasonable answer. but it quickly leads to difficulties when applied to K-12 education. For one thing, there is doubtless a school of thought in this country which holds that the value of pi (a mathematical constant expressing the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter) must really be 3,. because I Kings 7:23 describes a vessel that was ten cubits from the one brim to the other, round all about, and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.

That's certainly a different idea. But do we really want our schoolchildren wasting precious time in arguments about whether pi is really 3.0 or 3.141592653589793238462643383... ? I suspect not.

In other words, different ideas are an important part of education in a philosophy or literature class. They're a waste of time when teaching the multiplication table or the parts of speech.

The second problem here is that there are a lot of different ideas about the origin and development of life. It isn't just Darwin on one side and Genesis on the other. There's a Hindu account and a classical Greek account and the Ute account of Sinawaf and Coyote and hundreds more, if not thousands.

But wait, someone will argue. We're not talking about teaching religion in the public schools. We're talking about teaching a scientific theory known as Intelligent Design. You might see it as a backdoor approach to teaching religion in public schools, but it really isn't. The presence of a watch implies a watchmaker, and our schoolchildren should learn this, alongside Darwin and the Big Bang.

So let us assume that Intelligent Design represents honest science, rather than yet another attempt by American fundamentalists to control the rest of us just as thoroughly as they control our President.

Now I will seek evidence of Intelligent Design, starting at the top of my own body -- a bald spot, which gets sunburnt quickly if I go outdoors in daylight without a hat. Wouldn't an Intelligent Designer have arranged matters so that my hair would have continued to grow there?

Move down and there are my bifocals. Unlike my baldness, these are not evidence of age. I have worn glasses since I was eight years old, and bifocals since I was 11. Without glasses, I am legally blind. What kind of Intelligent Design is that?

There's also a set of artificial teeth. Our natural teeth are the first part to wear out while we're alive, and the last thing that remains after we die. How can that be evidence of Intelligent Design?

I'll skip human plumbing, since that could be used as evidence of Intelligent But Malicious Design (the vermiform appendix was fabricated to provide income for surgeons?), and proceed to the knees. My mother just had hers replaced, and my creaky joints feel as though they need oiled every morning.

Automobiles, by contrast, do show evidence of intelligent design. They can be lubricated, and worn-out parts can be replaced quickly and easily.

Someone more versed in human physiology could doubtless come up with reams of proof that our complex but unreliable bodies show little, if any, evidence of Intelligent Design.

So it's fine by me if our schools hearken to the President and expose students to different ideas on this matter. An hour or two of discussion, especially if the teacher is getting on in years, will quickly convince the students that there's no discernible connection between Intelligent Design and human anatomy, and they can go back to learning some real science.


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