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Curious as to how we were supposed to regard the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court of the United States, I called my favorite inside source: Ananias Ziegler, media relations director of the Committee That Really Runs America.
After the usual pleasantries, he said he'd just returned
from a vacation, and things had come unwound during his
absence. You wouldn't believe this mess. The House
Majority Leader, or he was until this happened, is under
indictment in Texas. The Senate Majority leader has been
subpoenaed in an insider-trading investigation. There's a
special prosecutor with a grand jury questioning Karl Rove,
the President's right-hand man. Plus there are several
investigations into Jack Abramoff's activities, and he's a
lobbyist who's dealt with just about everybody. Not to
mention the President threatening to veto a bill because it
might limit his ability to torture people.
That wasn't why I called,
I reminded him. I
wanted to get the right spin on Miers. The last I heard,
good Americans were supposed to support her because she
went to the right church, even though we weren't supposed
to know or care what church John Roberts attended.
Will you quit demanding logical consistency from
us?
Ziegler objected. Besides, that's all past
history now.
Isn't all history in the past?
I asked.
You know what I mean.
Ziegler took a deep breath
and his voice calmed. Now we want you to pay attention
to Miers's inspiring biography, how she worked her way up
and was the first woman partner in her Dallas law firm, and
the first woman president of her state bar
association.
So she has a record of accomplishment,
I agreed.
You're assuring me that she's not just another Bush
crony like Michael Brown at FEMA?
Don't put words into my mouth,
Ziegler said.
The point is, we know she opposes the Roe v. Wade
decision, even though we also know that she doesn't have an
opinion on Roe v. Wade.
That was so confusing that I skipped asking about it.
So, we should play up her biography as a feminist
pioneer in good-ol'-boy Texas, and leave the rest?
That's exactly what the Committee has in mind,
Ziegler answered. Now I suppose you're going to ask me
about that political witch-hunt by District Attorney Ronnie
Earle in Austin that has needlessly besmirched the
reputation of an outstanding leader like Tom Delay?
I hadn't been planning to ask about that, but why not?
Isn't that the same Tom Delay who said that there's no
fat left to cut in the federal budget to fund recovery from
Hurricane Katrina? Yet the budget has $200 million to build
a bridge to an island in Alaska that has only 50 residents?
And $50 million for an indoor rain forest in Iowa? Isn't
there some law about speaking while under the influence of
a controlled substance?
He sighed. Someday you'll learn the difference
between a liberal and a conservative. A liberal taxes you
to provide pork-barrel spending projects that get him
re-elected. A conservative borrows from your children and
grandchildren to finance projects that get him
re-elected.
Glad that the distinction was now clear, I asked how the Committee planned to spin the Administration's current problems.
We've already started. We've put a lot of our people
on Fox News to talk about how this represents nothing more
than the 'criminalization of political differences,' so
that the public won't take these investigations
seriously.
But what if that doesn't work?
I asked.
We'll play our hole card. We'll point out that
criticisms of the administration and its allies in Congress
can weaken the President politically, and thereby damage
his ability to lead the nation in the Wars on Terrorism,
Drugs, Iraqi insurgents, etc. Thus it harms America to
suggest that they're anything less than perfect, and so any
critic is a traitor.
He said he was already late for a meeting to prepare media strategy on yet another indictment, so he had to go, but not before he assured me that the Committee would be watching for traitors.
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