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Big Alpha Boar called to order the emergency meeting of the Colorado chapter of the Ursine Protective League in a secluded hollow near the center of the state. This area had once been the favored haunt of Old Mose, Colorado's largest grizzly. But all bruins present were black bears, although their hues actually ranged from tan to sable.
They were grouchy. Elder Sow spoke up. We need to be
out eating this time of year to store up fat for the
winter, rather than dropping everything to come to some
silly meeting.
Big Alpha waved his paws at two cubs, who bounced away
and then came back pulling bags and boxes with their teeth.
Little Dingbat Bear here,
Big Alpha explained,
did something stupid that turned out well. She didn't
look both ways before crossing the highway while it was
raining. A human food truck headed to stock a convenience
store and some rural taverns saw her, swerved and rolled
off the road. The driver walked away to get some help, and
we helped the environment by cleaning up the spill.
At the sight of millions of calories in the form of Hostess Twinkies, Slim Jims, jerky bars, cracker concoctions, jelly-filled pastries, Little Debbie snacks and the like, the gathering settled down, chomping away until Big Alpha returned to business.
We have an increasing number of problem humans this
year,
Big Alpha said, and we need a strategy to cope
with them.
Boo-Boo, who had grown into a respected adviser after
his child-star days as a comic foil to the late Yogi,
provided background. We started with the three-strike
rule. When humans first invaded and did foolish things like
leaving out pet food, bird feeders and tasty garbage, we
gave them two warnings. We'd trash the place, ingest one of
their little poodles or schnauzers, tear up an SUV, that
sort of thing, all in the hope that they would learn from
this and relocate to some place where they wouldn't bother
us again. But they hardly ever relocate.
An interruption came from Cindy, who had foraged with
Boo-Boo and Yogi back in the day. I don't know about you
guys, but for me with my missing teeth and broken claws,
these humans are pretty hard to euthanize when they don't
learn their lessons and the third strike comes. Besides,
this is Colorado, the skinniest state in the Union, and
most of these problem humans are just gristle and bones and
not worth the trouble.
Most of the other bears agreed with her. We've got to
do something, though,
one husky young boar said.
They keep moving into our territory, and after that late
spring frost that zapped our berry crop, where are we
supposed to find food?
That's peculiar, though,
said Peeping Tom Bear,
esteemed for his ability to spy on the human intruders.
I keep overhearing them, especially around Vail and
Aspen, talking about something called 'Global Warming.' If
that's happening, why the late frost?
The other bears were mystified, but pressed Tom for more
intelligence. He complied. They sometimes tell their
cubs a story about a little human sow named Goldilocks who
breaks into our dens and eats all our food. How can they be
mad at us for doing the same thing?
And look at the public service we did in Aspen,
cleaning up those downtown crabapples that no human would
eat,
a sow commented. You'd think they'd be grateful
and invite us back. My gorgeous little cubs are quite the
tourist attraction, too.
Cinnamon, a powerful sow who looked younger than her
years, suggested that more bruins join her in the Pikes
Peak area. We had a good rainy summer,
she said,
so there's lots of forage. Plus, humans seem to respect
us there.
A growling chorus of Why's that?
prompted her to
continue. They have some powerful preachers around
Colorado Springs,
she said, and one of them used 2
Kings 23-34 for a sermon. You know, the account of how the
human cubs made fun of Elisha the prophet for being bald,
and 'He turned around, and looked on them, and cursed down
them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two
she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children
of them.'
So they're teaching that we bears are actually divine
agents put here to maul the wicked?
Big Alpha asked.
Cinnamon nodded.
Big Alpha brought the meeting to a conclusion. Let's
get the word out. We've tried every other way to deal with
these problem humans. Maybe some good old-time religion
will work.
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