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I was surprised when I got a call from Ananias Ziegler, media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America; it was the first time he had ever called me out of the blue.
After the usual pleasantries, he asked Got time to
answer a few questions for me today? Seems only far, since
I try to answer yours.
I told him I would, but wondered
why he was soliciting my views.
Did you see the May 5 edition of Newsweek?
he
asked. It's about the Bubba Gap. Here at the Committee,
we're working on the best ways to exploit it, and our
database search produced you as a rural white guy. The
other Committee staffers were scared to go out on the
ground in flyover country to meet a Bubba in person, so I
volunteered to call you, since we know each other.
I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted, so I let it slide and told him to ask away.
Have you ever lost a job on account of affirmative
action?
he asked.
About 35 years ago, I applied at the Boulder Daily
Camera. I was more than qualified to write obits. But the
newspaper had just lost a sex-discrimination lawsuit, so I
didn't get hired.
Are you bitter about that?
he pursued.
At the time, yeah. But I know now that my ideal
workplace is where you can scratch yourself, belch, tell
raunchy jokes and otherwise be comfortable while focusing
on your work, instead of trying to control every little
thing you might do or say. Newspaper offices aren't like
that any more, so I'm better off working from home,
I
explained.
Ziegler moved to the next question. Do you prefer
venison, elk or generic roadkill?
Never much cared for wild game,
I said. I'll
sample it to be polite if someone's serving it, but give me
beef any day.
So I take it you prefer mass-market beer, like Bud or
Coors,
he proceeded.
I like local micro-brews,
I said, and have
ever since I first tasted Anchor Steam in San
Francisco.
So you drive a Volvo and enjoy wine-tastings?
he
continued.
Nope. I just bought a used Ford pickup, but usually I
drive our old Prizm because it gets much better mileage.
And I'm not much of a wine guy, since I usually can't tell
the difference between a good vintage and the screw-top
stuff that was aged in transit.
He jumped to another conclusion. I take it then that
you enjoy NASCAR events and country music,
he said.
I wouldn't walk across the street to see a stock-car
race. As for music, Hank Williams was a genius, but country
music has generally gone downhill since his day.
Ziegler sighed. You're not helping me to define the
Red, White and Blue bloc.
Red, white and blue?
I asked.
Red neck, white trash and blue collar,
he
explained. And why do you sound so peeved?
Because I'm sick of your ignorant stereotyping,
I
replied. Most of my friends and neighbors are rural
white folks. Some are vegetarians, some hunt and eat wild
game Some love classical music, others like down-and-dirty
rock 'n' roll. Some are gearheads, others read a lot, some
manage both. Some go to church every Sunday, some don't.
Some quote Rush Limbaugh, others prefer Amy Goodman. About
all we have in common -- be we janitors, ranch hands,
machinists or shopkeepers -- is that we don't make a lot of
money.
He cut me off. I get the picture. But how's the
Committee supposed to divide Americans into discrete
demographic groups that can be manipulated by political
campaigns if you guys don't co-operate by having a common
culture?
That's not my problem,
I said, and hung up on
him.
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