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After catching a TV commercial from the John McCain campaign which blamed Barack Obama for high gasoline prices, I wondered how that could be so. After all, Obama has been portrayed as a lightweight who never accomplished much, and now he's the reason we're paying $4 a gallon?
So I called my favorite inside source, Ananias Ziegler, the media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America. After the usual pleasantries, I asked my question, and after he quit guffawing, he had a question.
Can you prove that Sen. Obama was not part of
Vice-President Dick Cheney's secret National Energy Task
Force that met in 2001?
he asked.
I don't think so,
I replied. But wasn't he
just a state senator in Illinois then?
Doesn't matter,
Ziegler said. Unless you can
demonstrate that he was not involved in the Bush
administration's formulation of the wonderful national
energy policy we enjoy now, then it's fair to hold him
responsible for high gas prices. Besides, he's a Democrat,
and everyone knows they've blocked domestic oil
production.
But I numbers from the federal Energy Information
Administration. Domestic crude-oil production peaked in
1970 at 3.52 billion barrels. In 2000, it was down to 2.13
billion. And last year it dropped to 1.86 billion.
And your point is?
he interrupted.
If it was that important to increase domestic
production, why didn't in increase when there was a
Republican president with a Republican House and a
Republican Senate, when those evil Democrats couldn't have
blocked increased drilling?
Well, times change,
Ziegler said. Back then,
even a Republican governor like Jeb Bush in Florida opposed
drilling near his coastline.
Sort of like Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in
California now?
I asked.
I wish you hadn't brought him up,
Ziegler
snapped. Why do they worry, anyway? Don't you know that
not a single drop was spilled from an offshore platform in
the Gulf of Mexico during hurricanes Katrina and Rita in
2005?
That's not quite true,
I pointed out. The
Minerals Management Service of the Department of Interior
said there were 125 spills involving a total of 16,302
barrels. All things considered, especially the severity of
those storms, that's an excellent record. So why do you
have to lie and say there were no spills?
People wouldn't understand,
Ziegler said, and
moved on. Wait until you see our next video production.
It'll show a vast array of idle drilling rigs and
unemployed roughnecks.
But don't the oil developers have thousands of acres
already leased that they haven't drilled
I asked.
Of course they do,
Ziegler said. And if they
can bid for more, doesn't that make for increased federal
income and a lower budget deficit, even if it doesn't
produce any more oil?
I hadn't thought of it that way. And the new
oil-shale leasing proposal from the Interior Department
could work that way, too?
I asked, optimistically.
Studies, surveys, tests, lease sales and swaps,
everything but production?
More than likely,
Ziegler agreed, since nobody
has found a profitable way to use the stuff. But I like the
other possibility: A big chunk of your insignificant
flyover state chewed into a moonscape. Every drop of water
diverted from agriculture to industry. Huge new coal-fired
generating plants to meet the electric demands of this
industry and its workforce.
I interrupted. All so people can go back to commuting
80 miles a day in 12-mpg SUVs?
Of course,
Ziegler said, just as soon as Obama
and your evil air-loving water-protecting wildlife-coddling
elected officials get out of our way. After all,
Vice-President Cheney said it all: 'The American way of
life is not negotiable.'
And with that, Ziegler had to
take another call.
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