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In need of some guidance to understand this weird election season, I called my favorite inside source, Ananias Ziegler, media relations director of the Committee That Really Runs America. My first question was whether any Republicans are running for the presidency and vice-presidency this year.
Why would you ask that?
he countered. You must
have heard of the McCain-Palin ticket.
Indeed I have,
I agreed, but none of their
propaganda says they're Republicans. They say they're going
to clean up Washington --- but haven't Republicans been
pretty much in charge for the past eight years?
Ziegler granted that was true, although it doesn't
matter. Even if they were nominated at a Republican
convention, they're really mavericks, and they're running
on a platform of 'change,' just like Obama.
I can see McCain as a candidate of change,
I
agreed. He's changed his position on Roe v. Wade, he's
changed his position on the Bush tax cuts, he's changed on
waterboarding, changed on bailing out Fannie Mae and
Freddie Mac, changed on offshore drilling, changed on
immigration...
Ziegler cut me off. That's not the kind of change I
meant. Besides, why aren't asking me about Sarah
Palin?
Because there are other people and issues,
I
began before I was interrupted.
Even so,
Ziegler said, You of all people
should be sympathetic to how the Evil Liberal Media are
picking on poor little Sarah Barracuda. Surely you must
identify with her, being as you also live in a small town
in the middle of nowhere, and small towns are the true
havens of all that is good about America, yet are derided
by the Effete Coastal Elite.
If small towns are so great,
I asked, why is
it that less than 10 percent of Americans live in places
with fewer than 10,000 residents?
Ziegler sighed. But aren't people more virtuous in
small towns?
Not that I've noticed,
I replied, but to be
fair, I don't have any good way to compare, since I've
lived in small towns for 34 years, and so my knowledge of
urban wickedness is pretty stale. We might be a little
lower in murder and mugging, but I bet we more than hold
our own on child abuse, poaching and meth cooking.
Okay, so the wholesome small-town angle isn't working
on you,
Ziegler said. You're doubtless one of those
snobs who's never field-dressed a moose or driven a
snowmobile.
Moose, no,
I agreed. But a mule deer, yes, and
yes to the snowmobile. I can hold my own on redneck
credentials, Ziegler, enough to be qualified at least for
secretary of state.
Fair enough,
he conceded. But you've got to
admire her maverick streak for taking on Big Oil.
Let me see if I understand this,
I began. She
raised taxes on oil companies in Alaska, and distributed
$1,200 to every Alaska resident.
That's basically the deal,
he agreed.
So why is it that here in Colorado, when our
Democratic governor wants to raise taxes on oil companies
in the state, the Republicans complain that he's driving
jobs away from the state? Shouldn't they be praising him
for standing up to Big Oil, just like Sarah Palin?
Quillen, you have this problem. You expect
consistency. You forget that this election is all about
change.
And McCain's changes are changes I can believe
in?
I asked.
Of course. He's nothing if not a man of change,
Ziegler said before hanging up.
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