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The light was blinking on the answering machine when I returned from walking the dog, so I returned a call from Ananias Ziegler, media relations director of the Committee That Really Runs America.
Why don't you take a cell phone so that you can stay
in touch?
Ziegler asked.
Because there are times when I'd rather not be in
touch,
I explained.
Be careful,
he cautioned. That might not be
legal. There could be a provision in the Patriot Act that
requires all Americans to be receptivee at all times.
Suppose you missed a security alert because you were out
ambling around with your dog in willful ignorance.
Suppose I did,
I grumbled before changing the
subject. I'm sure you didn't call just to berate me for
not being immediately accessible.
He sighed. You're right. I want you to put the right
spin on the water issue.
Black Canyon of the Gunnison reserved water
rights?
I asked. Or our Nestlé controversy in
Chaffee County?
You're so parochial,
Ziegler complained. Of
course not. I want to be sure that whatever you write about
the waterboarding matter, you tie it to Democrat Nancy
Pelosi and her San Francisco values.
I confessed that I'd had a hard time keeping up with the
recommended spin. First you guys say it isn't torture.
Then you say that it was legal, no matter what some people
might call it, because some government lawyers contrived
some convoluted justifications for it. Along the way, I
hear that it doesn't matter whether it was legal because it
worked and produced information that made America safer. So
where does this new angle fit?
Ziegler cleared his throat. I can see you've had
trouble following this, so you must be glad I
called.
I wasn't, but I let that slide as he continued.
Here's what we want you to think happened. In 2002,
Pelosi and other congressional leaders were briefed by the
CIA. They were told that the CIA would use 'enhanced
interrogation techniques' like waterboarding. And Pelosi
did not object then, so it must be okay with her, and if
it's approved by a latte-sipping San Francisco liberal, it
must be totally acceptable, right? So everybody should quit
pointing fingers.
Something struck me. Didn't she say it didn't happen
like that?
Who's more likely to lie?
Ziegler asked. A
politician or the CIA?
That's a tough question,
I conceded. But
suppose it happened just the way you said it did and Pelosi
had then gone to the House floor, and declared that the CIA
had just told her that the United States was violating the
Geneva Conventions and various American laws. What would
have happened?
That's an easy question,
Ziegler replied. We
would have had her charged with treason for revealing
secret information.
But doesn't the Constitution say there can't be laws
against free speech? And further, that no member of
Congress can be prosecuted for anything said on the floor?
And besides that, isn't the CIA unconstitutional anyway,
since it has a secret budget and the Constitution requires
publication of all expenditures?
Oh, you and your Constitution-hugging buddies,
Ziegler harrumphed. How much Constitution are you going
to have if the terrorists attack again?
So we're supposed to violate the Constitution in
order to save it?
I asked.
Ziegler grunted. You're trying to distract me. The
important thing to remember is that this is all Nancy
Pelosi's fault, and that if you know what's good for you,
you'll keep Dick Cheney out of it.
Before I could ask for clarification, he hung up, and for some reason I wanted to go walk the dog again, far from any telephones.
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