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After the dog and I returned from our daily trespass on Union Pacific Railroad property one afternoon last week, the answering machine had a call-back message from Ananias Ziegler, media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America
Do you want to join our program of spontaneous
authentic grass-roots activism to intimidate and shout down
the evil fascist-communist-socialist death-panel supporters
at the congressional town-hall meetings?
he asked after
the usual pleasantries.
I do have some experience at being obnoxious at
public gatherings,
I confessed. But our congressman
hasn't scheduled any such meetings yet. Plus, Rep. Doug
Lamborn is a hard-core Republican. If Obama walked on
water, Lamborn would just say it's because he doesn't know
how to swim. So I can't see much point in it.
Ziegler's explained. This isn't about changing
congressional minds, at least not in your right-thinking
district. It's about theater. We need to show that there
are people who support the finest health care system in the
world.
I objected. If ours is so great, why don't other
countries try to emulate it? Have you ever heard of any
politician, in any other country, campaigning to install an
American-style health-care system?
Ziegler stayed his course. If you'd like, we can
provide a sign you can carry. It will look authentically
hand-lettered, but it will also show up well on TV and
You-Tube.
What would it say?
I asked.
You have a choice, of course,
he replied. How
about 'Don't let Nancy Pelosi kill my grandma'?
Too late,
I said. Both my grandmothers are
long dead. Somebody might ask, and I wouldn't want to
lie.
No wonder you're so obscure,
Ziegler said. If
you want to amount to anything, you've got to get past
that. Joe the Plumber wasn't a plumber, Sarah Palin quits
to show she's no quitter, and you know about Mark Sanford's
family values. How about this sign: 'Stop liberal dems from
rationing my health care!'?
But health care is already rationed,
I pointed
out, since there's not an infinite supply. Mostly it's
rationed on the basis of money.
Ziegler growled. Okay, wise guy, come up with one of
your own.
Maybe you have some leftovers from 1994,
I said.
I liked 'Keep the government out of my medicine
cabinet.'
I know you did,
Ziegler agreed, but the
problem is that you take that slogan seriously. What would
result if we put thousands of Drug Enforcement
Administration agents out of work?
A free country?
I answered. Never mind. How
about 'Save my right to go bankrupt because an uninsured
texting motorist hit me while I was walking across the
street'?
That's too long for a sign,
Ziegler objected.
I tried a new tack. Suppose you gave me some money
that I could invest in health-insurance stocks.
Ziegler interrupted. That's not how we work
here.
I made my pitch. But then I could carry a sign like
'Don't let a public option destroy my retirement.'
I don't get it,
Ziegler confessed.
But it's simple,
I explained. When you get
right down to it, a private health-insurance company makes
money by denying claims. There's no profit in paying
medical bills. A public option might change that, and then
the private companies' profits would drop, and their
dividends and stock prices would decline, and my
hypothetical retirement fund would take a big hit.
I see your point,
Ziegler said. But it's not
something you can shout at a meeting. I'm afraid we're just
going to have to leave you out of this one.
With that
he hung up.
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