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It seems commendable that companies take surveys about
the consumer experience.
After all, we all want good
service, and presumably, the more they know, the better
they do.
But they sure ask some bizarre questions in the process.
A few weeks ago, I foolishly agreed to a telephone
consumer satisfaction survey
concerning the bank
where we keep our checking account.
The surveyor told me that the questions would concern only my most recent visit to the bank, which was to deposit a couple of checks.
(I am aware that there are devices known as ATMs, but I have so for managed to avoid using one.)
I was asked a serious of questions, and I was supposed
to answer on a scale from unacceptable
to
outstanding.
On that most recent visit, I walked into the lobby. A
teller at an open window said Hi, Ed. I can help you
here.
I made my usual joke that in modern America,
help you
actually means take your money,
as
when a Wal-Mart or Safeway check-out clerk says I can
help you in aisle three.
I handed her the checks and deposit slip. She examined the checks and their endorsements, then punched keys on her terminal. While the machinery processed the transaction, she asked me how one of my daughters, a schoolmate, was doing. The deposit receipt emerged, I thanked her, she asked if I needed anything else, and we parted.
So how was my overall experience on the survey scale? Everything went smoothly and I couldn't imagine how the teller might have done a better job.
Even so, an outstanding
experience might have
involved her saying something like You know, Ed, we just
found an extra $300,000. Would you mind if we put it into
your account? You can do whatever you want with it, and the
IRS will never know.
As for unacceptable,
then by definition you don't
accept it. You ask to see the manager then. You call the
regulators. You handle it long before some survey comes
calling.
For more survey stupidity, the questions went into detail, ranging from the teller's greeting to whether she had made me aware of the bank's other services, all on the range from unacceptable to outstanding.
I thought the bizarre bank survey might be an
aberration, but when I opened the mail the other day, there
was a survey from J.D. Power & Associates concerning my
Waste Management experience.
You can pretty much set your clock by the garbage truck's arrival at 9:30 a.m. on Fridays. When I've needed extra service, such as spotting a two-yard Dumpster in front when we were removing an old ceiling from a bedroom, the company provided it promptly.
But I've got no complaints
doesn't appear on the
range from unacceptable
through average
to
outstanding.
The first three questions concerned my current
container,
a one-yard Dumpster. Is its appearance
unacceptable, average, or outstanding? It's a little
grungy, but it's a trash receptacle in an alley. Who really
cares what it looks like?
As for its working condition,
it works well
enough for me, but I don't know enough about this device to
know whether it's outstanding or merely average. Why not
ask your employees on the truck, who wrestle with it every
week, instead of asking me?
After that, I gave up on the survey. Attention,
businesses of the world: You don't need to ask. I'll let
you know when something is unacceptable
-- like
these senseless survey questions.
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